Yesterday, I was talking with my friends in my favorite tea shop. For an hour or two, we had our coffee, tea, or snacks and were talking about cinema, politics, and our next-week trip to a hill station. One thing I noticed about myself throughout those two hours was that, rather than just listening to them talk, I had some random views about the topic at hand, and it urged me to say that to them before they ended their sentence.
These random firings of my thoughts make me not listen to the speaker about what he is saying or how he feels about it. My mind is constantly talking to me to make this suggestion to him so he knows you know a few things, or to say this interesting trivia about the movie that you know or the funny incident you met this week.
I came home and realized how terrible this was. Constantly throwing random stuff out of your mind when someone talks with you. I am doing this often and have decided to come out of it soon. I hope I’m not alone with this syndrome; maybe you even are.
Here, I’ve chosen to listen more than talk. In this piece, let us discuss something related to this.
Advice Monster
Speaking of this, another thing that comes to mind is the “advice monsters” in our heads.
Those closest to us will always come in and talk to us about their problems.
Rather than listening to their problem, this thought might pop into our heads: “You need to solve the problem now; that’s why he or she came to you”.
You put yourself in a situation like that; now you don’t know what to do and finally, you give them advice from your point of view that may help them resolve their problem. I’m pretty sure that advice is definitely not going to help them.
The same thing I said previously: instead of listening to the speaker, another thought from your mind in the name of advice comes out.
Keep this in mind. They don’t want advice from you; all they want is someone to listen to their rants on their ongoing issue so it can vent out of their system. They might feel free after that, and no longer advice is needed.
So, next time, when a friend comes to you with their problem, let them rant and rave for a while; you’re just there to listen; that’s what you’ve got to do. Don’t let your advice monster peep in with advice that your mind wants to say.
They could find a resolution to their problems on their own; they need someone to share in the first place.
Fine Balance
Now you know that you’ve got to listen to people. Let’s continue discussing more about listening and the one more mistake we make when we listen.
I am not saying you should remain silent when people share their difficult circumstances. Sometimes, in a painful situation, you’ve got to talk without letting your advice monster get in the way. They need words to heal when silence is insufficient.
When we listen to the opposite, we always try to empathize with them. We try to be in their shoes and feel for them. While empathy is a wonderful thing, in a few cases, it won’t provide them with an answer.
Instead, stand back and listen to them as if you were a third person. Similar to when you ride a bus, someone is seated in front of you and discussing their issue with the person next to them; you are listening to their story from your seat behind them.
All you’re doing is hearing it from the back. There’s no judgment here; you have no idea who this person or face is. You don’t put yourself in their position here.
This way, you won’t be in their shoes; you just hear the story and have a moment to yourself to think about it. The thing (solution) that comes out after this will be right. And I firmly believe empathy-based solutions could be biased.
“It’s a fine balance, listening to people without inserting yourself into their reality.”
You may feel wrong about what I said in this post, but this is what I had in mind, and I put it forward. The choice is yours whether to listen, to provide advice, or to provide a solution like a third person.
Decide yourselves. That’s all for today. Bye!
Until next time,
Peranesh xx